Tag Archives for " solution-focused "

A Self-Harmer Taught Me An Important Lesson

I was working with a young 17 year old girl with depression and a history of self-harming and she taught me such a valuable lesson in parenting that I want to share with as many parents as possible.

She said:

“My mum just doesn’t get it.  She always wants to fix me and tell me what to do to fix my problems. But sometimes she can’t fix them. I just need to work them out from myself. Sometimes I don’t need her to try and fix me or tell me what I am doing wrong. Sometimes I just want her to love me, cuddle me, sit on the bed together and watch a movie and say nothing….But she just doesn’t get it.”

WOW! What an eye opener that was for me. Now I don’t have girls, but I certainly remember being a teenage girl and I remember my mum doing the same thing.

This is because as parents, we take on this ‘fixer’ role with our kids. We want to take away their pain. We want to help them and get them to the other side of our struggles. But sometimes we need to recognise that helping them to work through things themselves by just being there is just as valuable to them.

Sometimes they just need their soft place to fall and maybe even the place where they can get away from their problems.

How frustrating is it for women when they often try talking to a male and they don’t listen. They just try and fix things. Women often feel unheard, not validated and unloved. This is often what parents unknowingly do for their kids too.

Teenagers are naturally trying to find their independence, so perhaps begin to ask your teenager what they need from you when they’re experiencing something difficult. Perhaps ask them if they want your help to find the solution?  That way you are giving them exactly what they need.

Remember that their problems do not mean their life is going wrong. It is simply an experience they are learning from and sometimes the experience is exactly what they need for their personal development.

Work WITH your child, not FOR them.

Letting your children find their wings…

 

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

Eliminating Disrespect (Part B)

In my last article – Why Your Kids Disrespect You, we looked at some of the reasons why disrespect occurs between a parent and a child. Now let’s look at how you can turn it all around.

Your children will not respect you until you demand that they respect you.

By that, I don’t mean ranting and raving about how they don’t respect you and how they don’t care about what you do for them. I mean when you teach them a standard of treatment that you expect from them and issue serious consequences for them if this expectation is not met.

Human beings operate with the agenda of pursue pleasure and avoid pain.  If you set the standard and issue consequences for behaving less than the standard, and those consequences are painful (meaning they don’t like them or it means they have to lose something they want or experience something they don’t like), then they will learn not to behave that way.

This doesn’t just work for respect, this works for anything you are trying to teach your children (FYI, it doesn’t always have to be punishment either, you can motivate using the pursuit of pleasure – i.e., rewards for co-operation or good behaviour).

Just remember what you’re doing it for. What is it that you’re actually trying to teach? What is the life lesson or life skill you are trying to teach? Make sure it’s for those reasons, as opposed to just obeying so you get what you want…as tempting as that is, lol.

One final point….

 

Is it really disrespect? Is it really about you at all?

Keep in mind that often, our child’s behaviour has nothing to do with you at all. We can be so quick to make our child’s behaviour personal and jump onto the “My children don’t respect me train” but often it’s not because they don’t respect you at all, it’s because they’re learning how to deal with their frustrations, they are learning a new skill or using you as a venting board because they don’t know what else to do.

It’s important to take your self-worth away from your child’s behaviour and start to look at what’s going on in the child’s mind behind the behaviour.

When you do this, you might just see that they need your help to deal with a situation differently. You can still address the fact that they are treating you rudely or inappropriately, but make sure you give them some tools to help them deal with the actual problem differently too.

If you don’t know how to help them, then maybe you can sit down together and work it out.

Dealing with the problem by finding solutions….

If you would like more information on how to communicate more effectively with your child, change the way your family interacts with each other, or how to lower the stress levels in the home, our Stress Free Parenting program can teach you all that and more.

Warm Regards,

 

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

Money Stress Makes Me An Unhappy Parent

A constant theme that runs through the info that you read in my programs, is this:

“Stress is never caused by events. It’s how you perceive those events and what you perceive them to mean about you/your life!”

Money, or the lack of it as the case may be, is not causing your unhappiness. It’s what you think the lack of money means about you, your life, or your kids’ life. My proof of that is, does everyone who is not rich feel the same sense of lack and the stress that comes with this feeling?

If it were lack of money causing people stress, then wouldn’t everyone who were poor feel unhappy? But that’s not true. Sure it may be the majority, but there’s still a minority who really don’t care about their financial status. They have other things that they’re focusing on that make them happen. So it can’t be the money that causes unhappiness.

And therein lies my point.

What this minority are focusing on is ‘something else’. They don’t even have their attention on the lack.

Your stress over money doesn’t even come from your money situation. It comes from your perception of the lack. It’s a classic missing out lens. Look at what I don’t have. Look at what I’m missing out on because of that lack. I’m missing out on how life should be.

But this may be the very perception that is keeping you stuck in this current financial position.

This thinking is in conflict with reality! Your financial position is your financial position. That’s reality. Your judgment is what causes the stress.

So, what to do now you realise that?

Figure out what you want. What would be the ideal scenario for you in regards to money? Be specific. What impact would this ideal have on your life? What would life look like if you had this ideal?

Immerse yourself in the imaginative process of how it would feel to have a different financial picture going on in your life.

Now, how can you get it? Where is the information, the resources, the tools and the experts that can teach you how to get where you want to be?

See how you are now a lot more solution focused about how to get ahead, rather than rolling in your story of how bad or lacking your life is?

You won’t change your position by wishing it wasn’t so. You’re at where you’re at. Period. So what are you going to do about it now you’re here?

Stop holding yourself back by thinking…

 

Jackie

5 Steps to Being Organised

Because your perception is of being time poor, I’m just going to give you those 5 steps straight up.

  1. What do you want? Be specific. What does organised look like? Write it down.
  2. Write down everything that is in your day/week that needs attention and how much time that would take to get those things done.
  3. Write down other things that you’d like to have time to do and allocate time for that.
  4. What do you need in order to reach this goal? Support? More outside help?
  5. What is your plan of attack? How can you get these things into a schedule that’s do able?

I ask you, in those five steps, how many times did I ask you to tell me:

  • How much time you DON’T have
  • What you DON”T want
  • How everything else always takes priority and no one cares about you
  • How you never get anything done.

Yet how often do we roll in that story? It’s time to get solution focused. There are organised people out there and you could be one of them. It all starts with focusing on what you want and then creating opportunities and planning your life to get what you want.

Create a plan and take action!

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

No Time Out? Then This Post Is For You.

Time becomes a luxury when you are a parent, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy time for yourself.

But here’s the problem….

You know how I always say that what you put your attention on expands in that direction? Well, if you keep looking at your life with an “I don’t have time” mindset, you’ll keeping finding evidence of how you are lacking in time!

Focus on what you do want and how you might get that to happen, because when you do that you often find a pathway to getting it.

Ever been stuck for time, madly racing around and then something else really urgent pops up and suddenly you’ve got to fit that in too? What happens? Often you get it all done. You managed to fit it in, or you let something not so important fall by the way side.

This is because you made that urgent thing a priority.

You see, having the time to do something (like take time out) is never about time, it’s about priorities!

If you are not making yourself a priority, you won’t make time for your personal time out. You’ll keep putting yourself last and get more and more miserable in the process. Then you’ll justify it by saying, “Oh, I didn’t have time for that”….and then you’ll be right.

But that’s not because you don’t have time. We always have time. It’s because you didn’t make it a priority.

Shift your priorities and you will find the time…

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

I Don’t Even Know Who I Am Anymore

Becoming a parent is a HUGE transition and often, we don’t deliberately take the time to mentally adjust to the change.

We get stuck in identifying ourselves with the past and what life used to be like, but the reality is (there’s that bloody reality again, lol) that life HAS changed and it CAN’T be the way it used to be.

You need to let it go and instead, focus on what you want for your life NOW and how you can fit it in around your kids.

Too often, we focus our attention on what we’re missing out on and I’d love a dollar for every time I’ve asked someone, “So what would the ideal be? What do you want?” And they’ve said, “I don’t know”.

Umm, well, how can you possibly expect to be enjoying your life when you keep looking for everything you don’t have but have no clarity on what you want?

Who do you want to be?

How do you want to construct your life?

What sort of parent do you want to be?

What experiences would you like to have?

Once you’ve established that, then you need to follow the great advice that a friend once told me:

“You decide what it is you want to do, then you plot and scheme around your kids to do it.”

LOVE IT!

The only reason why you feel you’ve lost your identity is because you are still trying to identify with a you that doesn’t exist anymore. Life has changed. You need to move with the times and get deliberate about life.

Redefining yourself…..

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

I Stopped Myself From Having One Of ‘Those’ Mornings

This morning was one of those chaotic, can’t find anything, running late, have to get out the door on time, kids have the shits kind of morning. You know the ones. They can potentially lead to you having just as big a meltdown as the kids.

Except, instead of just getting over it, like the kids do, these mornings tend to leave you feeling really guilty all day because of how you treated your kids.

These are the types of thoughts that went on in my head to change the default thinking that usually sends me into anger.

  • This is just one of ‘those’ mornings. It’s not a reflection of the rest of my day (or my life).
  • The reality is that Ryan can’t find his shoes so I’m going to have to help him look for them. Now where could they be?
  • Jackie, stop! The reality is that Ryan (8yo) has woken up in a feral mood. Do you really think shouting at him and getting angry is going to get him out of it? Just give him a hug instead. Get out of the world of you and your ‘late-ness’ and focus on Ryan and what he needs from you right now. You know this is more likely to speed him up.
  • Seriously, how much later am I really going to be. Is it really going to matter if I’m 15 minutes late. Calm down. Take a step back and focus on what we need to do. The reality is, this morning didn’t go to plan.  It happens. Move on.
  • When I finally get out the door, these moments are going to be a thing of the past. It won’t even matter by this afternoon.
  • Change the picture! I know you wanted the dishes done before you left, but today, it’s just not going to happen. That’s okay. Life will go on and that doesn’t matter either.

Oh yes, I’m going to say it again:

 All stress is conflict between beliefs (what you’re thinking) and reality.

Notice your thoughts that send you into stress and anger and practice pulling your attention into alignment with reality by accepting what is in front of you, looking at it from the perspective of the bigger picture and get solution focused about it.

In the grand scheme of things, will it really matter in one year’s time?

Keeping it real…

Jackie

Stuff it! What’s the point?

 

Ever feel this way?  You try and try and try to do the ‘right’ thing, but you just end up failing….or at least that’s how you see it.

The danger in this language is that it is often associated with depression.

The belief system behind depression is when you have attached your self-worth to a particular identity you are ‘supposed’ to live up to or a way life was supposed to go. You keep trying to get your life ‘right’ in this way, but you wind up experiencing the opposite of what you want, leaving you feeling worthless, hopeless, useless or that life itself is of less value.

Repetition of this perspective in life, leads to you finding more and more evidence of it being true, which makes you feel even worse! What’s needed is a complete change in viewpoint about life, and more importantly a change in your viewpoint about self-worth.

Depression sufferers need to learn that life doesn’t always go to plan and that doesn’t mean anything about your self-worth – it’s just a part of life.

The reality is that we are all learning, growing, and experiencing highs and lows. Our lows are our learning points or our turning points. So what is this experience trying to teach you?

As soon as you stop reflecting on how worthless these events make you feel, and instead start focusing on what it’s teaching you or what you have to do next, you will start to feel better.

Learn an easier way….

 

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again