Tag Archives for " stress "

Kids Are An Interruption To My Life. Ouch!

One day, my children were mucking around. My husband was working away at the time and I was trying to get them into bed.

They were laughing and giggling and jumping about. At first I was playing along, but then I wanted them to settle down. I had a lot of work to do when they went to sleep and my focus was on doing that. I’d had enough of the play. It was time to sleep and I was attached to the picture of them calming down.

However, they weren’t playing the game and kept mucking around (as children do). My blood started boiling as the conversation in my head started to roll around in “they’re not listening to me”…I just want them to stop….”They need to go to bed NOW”….blah, blah, blah.

It escalated until I came to breaking point and shouted at them in my clenched-teeth way when I lose control. They instantly quietened down and went to bed, but I felt awful! That’s not the way to end the day. However I’d done it and I couldn’t take it back.

Knowing what I know in regards to the teachings of The Parental Stress Centre, I knew I needed to find the core belief that drove my anger to begin with. What was really going on to make me react this way? Was there any pattern to my thinking that causes me to react like this in other times?

I got to journaling, like I get my course participants to do when we’re trying to establish the beliefs behind our emotions, and after a while of looking at my ‘story’ behind my anger, it hit me. My core belief was:

“My children are an interruption to my life!”

WTF, are you serious? I couldn’t believe this is what I had thought. How terrible that was to think that way. But there it was right there on the page, and I knew that’s what I believed, because I felt it to the point of tears stinging the back of my eyes.

Oh dear, that was one belief I definitely needed to upgrade. I didn’t want my kids to feel like they were interrupting my life.

So here’s the upgrade:

Nothing can interrupt your life. Every experience IS your life. It’s just one event giving way to the next. There is no event that is more important than another. Everything is valuable. My children were in the moment, something I need to do more of. Parenting is a part of my life experience, too and I need to embrace every moment with my kids because, just like every other moment in life, it will rise and pass away. They will grow up, leave the nest and I will move onto other activities. My children are not an interruption to my life. They ARE my life, and a big part of it. Enjoy the moments while they’re here.

Change what you think about and what you think about changes…

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

Money Stress Makes Me An Unhappy Parent

A constant theme that runs through the info that you read in my programs, is this:

“Stress is never caused by events. It’s how you perceive those events and what you perceive them to mean about you/your life!”

Money, or the lack of it as the case may be, is not causing your unhappiness. It’s what you think the lack of money means about you, your life, or your kids’ life. My proof of that is, does everyone who is not rich feel the same sense of lack and the stress that comes with this feeling?

If it were lack of money causing people stress, then wouldn’t everyone who were poor feel unhappy? But that’s not true. Sure it may be the majority, but there’s still a minority who really don’t care about their financial status. They have other things that they’re focusing on that make them happen. So it can’t be the money that causes unhappiness.

And therein lies my point.

What this minority are focusing on is ‘something else’. They don’t even have their attention on the lack.

Your stress over money doesn’t even come from your money situation. It comes from your perception of the lack. It’s a classic missing out lens. Look at what I don’t have. Look at what I’m missing out on because of that lack. I’m missing out on how life should be.

But this may be the very perception that is keeping you stuck in this current financial position.

This thinking is in conflict with reality! Your financial position is your financial position. That’s reality. Your judgment is what causes the stress.

So, what to do now you realise that?

Figure out what you want. What would be the ideal scenario for you in regards to money? Be specific. What impact would this ideal have on your life? What would life look like if you had this ideal?

Immerse yourself in the imaginative process of how it would feel to have a different financial picture going on in your life.

Now, how can you get it? Where is the information, the resources, the tools and the experts that can teach you how to get where you want to be?

See how you are now a lot more solution focused about how to get ahead, rather than rolling in your story of how bad or lacking your life is?

You won’t change your position by wishing it wasn’t so. You’re at where you’re at. Period. So what are you going to do about it now you’re here?

Stop holding yourself back by thinking…

 

Jackie

Get It Right. You HAVE To Be Perfect.

Who on earth made that rule?!! Umm, I hate to say this…but you did.

We often hear in the parenting community that there is so much pressure on parents to get it right and do everything perfectly.

But who’s actually judging whether you’re doing it right or not?

The thing about judgment is that someone may have an opinion about what is right or not, but your reaction to their opinion comes from your beliefs, not from theirs.

No one can MAKE you feel any particular way. What they do though, is trigger something that already exists within you! They trigger the beliefs that you already hold about yourself and your life.

If you are feeling pressured, it’s because YOU believe you have to meet a certain standard in order to look good or be perceived a certain way.

YOU are the one setting the bar, so you can be the one to change it.

The only reason why other parents don’t succumb to the pressure of parenting is because they have a mindset that believes that they aren’t perfect. They know they are doing the best they can. They are continually looking for solutions to their problems. They don’t think it means anything about them if they can’t get it to be perfect or if they have an off day and they don’t believe other people’s opinions define who they are as a parent.

So when they hear about the ‘pressure of parents today’, it doesn’t trigger a response.

Adopt this mindset too, and your world will be a much more relaxed space.

Change your beliefs and you’ll change your reactions…

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

What Are You Like To Live With?

Spinning back in time and I am observing me in the heat of arsenic hour when my kids were 2 and 3 years old.

They were whinging, clinging, the house was a mess, dishes everywhere, dinner trying to be cooked, I’m tired. I don’t want to be dealing with any of this. It’s been a long day and I’m hanging for my husband to come home to help take the load off.

Cue the telephone call from hubby.

“I’m going to be late.”  Those 5 dreaded words that no worn out stay-at-home parent wants to hear when they are so desperately needing a break.

“Oh, whatever then!” was my unappreciative, rude and short reply before I hung up in disgust, acting like he meant to be late from work. Like he didn’t give a damn about what I was going through. Doesn’t he know that I need help over here?!!!

Fast forward an hour or so and hubby walked through the door to a pissed off wife, a grunt as I handed over a child to be washed and as I continued to do the relentless amount of chores needing to be done.

What must it have been like to live with me back then? A nightmare! And my husband is not afraid to tell me so.

So today, I want you to think about what you are like to live with? If you work from home, or perhaps go to work during the day and at the end of the day you are tired, what is it like for the other people in your family to have to deal with you?

I want you to think about this because quite often, we look to others to blame them for how they are treating us and what they are doing to make us unhappy. But how often do we turn those pointed fingers back around to ourselves and see the part that we play in our relationships?

What if, today when you got home, or your partner gets home, you greet them with a smile, a ‘how was your day’, a “I really missed you today”  and a warmth that serves to mix things up a bit.

Make an effort and you might just find that those ‘feral’ times of the day, don’t have to be so feral.

Taking Responsibility,

Jackie

Drowning In Parenthood? Start Here.

Quite often I read the posts of people introducing themselves on my Live programs, and I think “Wow, you’ve got so much going on.  Where should we start first.”

So this post is to help those of you who are feeling this way about your life and parenthood.

What do you want?

A seemingly simple question, yet one that is not often answered with specifics, or if it is, it is answered as more than a wish then a serious goal or expectation.

But this by far is the most important question to ask yourself when you feel like you’re drowning, because we often get sucked into the vortex of seeing everything we don’t have.

I can tell you that there are no solutions down that road.

What is it that you want in your parenting experience?
What is it that you want in your relationships?
What sort of relationship do you want with your kids, your family, etc.?
What does the ideal work/life balance look like?
What sort of person do you want to be?

Sit down with yourself and look at every area of your life and think about what the ideal would look like. What sort of life do you want to create for yourself? What would make you happy?

When you’ve done that, ask yourself whether you have been specific about these wants. When you look at those wants, would you be able to tell that you had achieved them?  Or can you be even more specific?

Knowing what you want is the first step to changing your life, because it gives you a direction to go in.  From this point, you can then begin to focus on how to get this information, where you can find the information that will help you to get there and who can teach it to you.

Struggles in life don’t mean a failed life. They just mean you lost your direction, or you haven’t yet learnt the skills required to get you there. Don’t waste time thinking about that though, just focus on what you want and how to learn so you can get there!

Free yourself and redesign your life.

 

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

5 Steps to Being Organised

Because your perception is of being time poor, I’m just going to give you those 5 steps straight up.

  1. What do you want? Be specific. What does organised look like? Write it down.
  2. Write down everything that is in your day/week that needs attention and how much time that would take to get those things done.
  3. Write down other things that you’d like to have time to do and allocate time for that.
  4. What do you need in order to reach this goal? Support? More outside help?
  5. What is your plan of attack? How can you get these things into a schedule that’s do able?

I ask you, in those five steps, how many times did I ask you to tell me:

  • How much time you DON’T have
  • What you DON”T want
  • How everything else always takes priority and no one cares about you
  • How you never get anything done.

Yet how often do we roll in that story? It’s time to get solution focused. There are organised people out there and you could be one of them. It all starts with focusing on what you want and then creating opportunities and planning your life to get what you want.

Create a plan and take action!

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

I Stopped Myself From Having One Of ‘Those’ Mornings

This morning was one of those chaotic, can’t find anything, running late, have to get out the door on time, kids have the shits kind of morning. You know the ones. They can potentially lead to you having just as big a meltdown as the kids.

Except, instead of just getting over it, like the kids do, these mornings tend to leave you feeling really guilty all day because of how you treated your kids.

These are the types of thoughts that went on in my head to change the default thinking that usually sends me into anger.

  • This is just one of ‘those’ mornings. It’s not a reflection of the rest of my day (or my life).
  • The reality is that Ryan can’t find his shoes so I’m going to have to help him look for them. Now where could they be?
  • Jackie, stop! The reality is that Ryan (8yo) has woken up in a feral mood. Do you really think shouting at him and getting angry is going to get him out of it? Just give him a hug instead. Get out of the world of you and your ‘late-ness’ and focus on Ryan and what he needs from you right now. You know this is more likely to speed him up.
  • Seriously, how much later am I really going to be. Is it really going to matter if I’m 15 minutes late. Calm down. Take a step back and focus on what we need to do. The reality is, this morning didn’t go to plan.  It happens. Move on.
  • When I finally get out the door, these moments are going to be a thing of the past. It won’t even matter by this afternoon.
  • Change the picture! I know you wanted the dishes done before you left, but today, it’s just not going to happen. That’s okay. Life will go on and that doesn’t matter either.

Oh yes, I’m going to say it again:

 All stress is conflict between beliefs (what you’re thinking) and reality.

Notice your thoughts that send you into stress and anger and practice pulling your attention into alignment with reality by accepting what is in front of you, looking at it from the perspective of the bigger picture and get solution focused about it.

In the grand scheme of things, will it really matter in one year’s time?

Keeping it real…

Jackie

Am I Going To Be Enough For My Child?

“Am I going to mess up my child’s life? Will I give them a good enough life? Teach them enough? Love them enough?”

This is a fear the runs through the minds of parents everyone. However, it is a fear that does not need to occur.

Remember how often I say that all stress is a conflict between belief and reality?

Well fear is the belief that you (or someone else) might miss out on something and life won’t go right.

However, when we expand our attention out and look at the bigger picture, the reality is that life can’t go wrong? Big statement huh? Well let me explain.

No matter what direction your life takes it will always be filled with highs and lows, goods and bads, wanted and unwanted. You can’t escape that. It’s just a fact of life.

If you think life is going wrong because it hasn’t gone to plan, then you are essentially saying that everyone’s life has gone wrong, because no one’s life always goes to plan.

Our job as a parent is not to get their lives right, but to help them deal with life when it doesn’t go right.

You are doing the best you can with the information that you have, the beliefs you hold about life and about what you believe is a ‘right’ life. You cannot predict what the future will hold, nor the challenges your child will face. Of course you will try and help your child avoid major potholes in their life, but you won’t be able to protect them from everything.

Nor do you want to, because EVERY event we experience holds value – it teaches us something and helps us to learn and grow as human beings, especially our adversities.

So don’t fear that you are going to mess their lives up, because the reality is, you can’t!

However if you do feel like you are not parenting in alignment with your goals, values or wants, that’s when you can turn your attention towards how you are going to learn to do it differently…because you WANT to experience that connection with your child, not because you’re scared their life won’t go to plan.

The best thing you can do for your child is help them learn a reality-based approach to life where they learn how to handle life’s challenges with an accurate view of reality and self-worth, which is exactly what I passionately teach parents in my online Stress Free Kids, Stress Free Parenting course.

We need to teach children not to fear life going wrong, but to embrace ALL challenges and see the value in them. But often, we first need to learn this for ourselves.

Life is a journey…

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

EVERYTHING is going so shit at the moment!

“Why are they ALWAYS whingeing? They NEVER give me any time out. I NEVER get anything done around here. They’re ALWAYS needing me for something. I’m so sick of dealing with this DAY IN, DAY OUT. Why can’t they just do as they’re told. They NEVER listen to me. NOBODY gives two shits about what I want. I’ve had enough! I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired. Clearly I’m doing something wrong. NOBODY ELSE feels this way. EVERYONE ELSE seems to manage, but not me! I’m hopeless.  Why can’t I get this right. What’s wrong with me? I’m such a failure. I hate my life!”

This used to be a regular conversation that would roll around in my head. Needless to say I would feel pretty crappy looking at my life from this perspective too.

See how I started with one little event and how quickly this little event escalated into meaning something about my whole life!!!

Here’s how I would respond to myself now:

“Really Jackie? ALWAYS. NEVER. NOBODY. EVERYONE ELSE. DAY IN. DAY OUT. These words are making this situation mean something about your whole life, but it’s not really that way is it?

  • The kids do listen to me sometimes. It’s just that they’re not listening right now. 
  • I do get things done around here, I’m just getting frustrated with all the demands, in THIS moment.
  • My family does care about me, but perhaps I’m feeling a bit run down and I need to make some time for myself.  When was the last time you actually planned that time out? Have you specifically asked for some support for yourself? You have to be your own hero, don’t just expect others to know what you want.
  • Not every day is like this. This is just a full on day today. Sometimes we have awesome days where I’ve had enough sleep, the kids are happy and I really enjoy being a mum.
  • EVERYONE! Really Jackie? What proof do you have that EVERYONE is managing, but you? Are you in their heads? The reality is that everyone has challenges and many parents feel the same as you. There’s nothing wrong with you. This is just a tough day.  Other people have challenges and difficulties too. It’s part of life. Even if they aren’t challenged in parenting, they’ll just have challenges in other areas, because that’s how we learn and grow.

You are NOT a failure. So what is the problem that you need to deal with right now and what is the solution?

All stress is a conflict between belief and reality!  Be mindful that your internal conversations are not ‘catastrophising’ a situation that in reality, is just one event in your life that will come and go.

What you’re experiencing right now is NOT a reflection of the rest of your day (or your life for that matter!)

Look at the whole picture…

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

Stuff it! What’s the point?

 

Ever feel this way?  You try and try and try to do the ‘right’ thing, but you just end up failing….or at least that’s how you see it.

The danger in this language is that it is often associated with depression.

The belief system behind depression is when you have attached your self-worth to a particular identity you are ‘supposed’ to live up to or a way life was supposed to go. You keep trying to get your life ‘right’ in this way, but you wind up experiencing the opposite of what you want, leaving you feeling worthless, hopeless, useless or that life itself is of less value.

Repetition of this perspective in life, leads to you finding more and more evidence of it being true, which makes you feel even worse! What’s needed is a complete change in viewpoint about life, and more importantly a change in your viewpoint about self-worth.

Depression sufferers need to learn that life doesn’t always go to plan and that doesn’t mean anything about your self-worth – it’s just a part of life.

The reality is that we are all learning, growing, and experiencing highs and lows. Our lows are our learning points or our turning points. So what is this experience trying to teach you?

As soon as you stop reflecting on how worthless these events make you feel, and instead start focusing on what it’s teaching you or what you have to do next, you will start to feel better.

Learn an easier way….

 

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again