Tag Archives for " perfect parent "

A Self-Harmer Taught Me An Important Lesson

I was working with a young 17 year old girl with depression and a history of self-harming and she taught me such a valuable lesson in parenting that I want to share with as many parents as possible.

She said:

“My mum just doesn’t get it.  She always wants to fix me and tell me what to do to fix my problems. But sometimes she can’t fix them. I just need to work them out from myself. Sometimes I don’t need her to try and fix me or tell me what I am doing wrong. Sometimes I just want her to love me, cuddle me, sit on the bed together and watch a movie and say nothing….But she just doesn’t get it.”

WOW! What an eye opener that was for me. Now I don’t have girls, but I certainly remember being a teenage girl and I remember my mum doing the same thing.

This is because as parents, we take on this ‘fixer’ role with our kids. We want to take away their pain. We want to help them and get them to the other side of our struggles. But sometimes we need to recognise that helping them to work through things themselves by just being there is just as valuable to them.

Sometimes they just need their soft place to fall and maybe even the place where they can get away from their problems.

How frustrating is it for women when they often try talking to a male and they don’t listen. They just try and fix things. Women often feel unheard, not validated and unloved. This is often what parents unknowingly do for their kids too.

Teenagers are naturally trying to find their independence, so perhaps begin to ask your teenager what they need from you when they’re experiencing something difficult. Perhaps ask them if they want your help to find the solution?  That way you are giving them exactly what they need.

Remember that their problems do not mean their life is going wrong. It is simply an experience they are learning from and sometimes the experience is exactly what they need for their personal development.

Work WITH your child, not FOR them.

Letting your children find their wings…

 

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

Get It Right. You HAVE To Be Perfect.

Who on earth made that rule?!! Umm, I hate to say this…but you did.

We often hear in the parenting community that there is so much pressure on parents to get it right and do everything perfectly.

But who’s actually judging whether you’re doing it right or not?

The thing about judgment is that someone may have an opinion about what is right or not, but your reaction to their opinion comes from your beliefs, not from theirs.

No one can MAKE you feel any particular way. What they do though, is trigger something that already exists within you! They trigger the beliefs that you already hold about yourself and your life.

If you are feeling pressured, it’s because YOU believe you have to meet a certain standard in order to look good or be perceived a certain way.

YOU are the one setting the bar, so you can be the one to change it.

The only reason why other parents don’t succumb to the pressure of parenting is because they have a mindset that believes that they aren’t perfect. They know they are doing the best they can. They are continually looking for solutions to their problems. They don’t think it means anything about them if they can’t get it to be perfect or if they have an off day and they don’t believe other people’s opinions define who they are as a parent.

So when they hear about the ‘pressure of parents today’, it doesn’t trigger a response.

Adopt this mindset too, and your world will be a much more relaxed space.

Change your beliefs and you’ll change your reactions…

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

Luckily, My Friend Didn’t Get Offended…

A little while ago now a friend of mine made a comment about a mother who would often be quite vocal at school carnivals, hollering out to her children and yelling out encouragements in a more-than-usual emphatic way.

My friend voiced her concern that the children would be very embarrassed by their mum and she felt bad for them.

I questioned myself, as to whether I should say anything to my friend, but decided to anyway, braving potentially getting shunned for my response in lieu of giving some valuable insight into the statement. Thankfully, she’s used to me and didn’t get offended.

My response was that although the children may be embarrassed and possibly even pressured to perform (something we don’t really know though), that child would also get some very valuable lessons in commitment, determination, working hard and getting results from working hard. Attributes that would serve them well in life, as well as feeling supported and encouraged by their mother.

So while (and we’re still assuming here) that child may have experienced something ’embarrassing’ or unwanted because of the mum, there was also some enormous value that came from that child’s experience with that mum – the hidden good in the bad (not that it was really bad).

This is a valuable lesson for all of us when trying to be more than enough for our children. We will be ourselves in the best way we know how, in the place where we are in our personal development (we’re still sifting through and growing from our childhoods to become better people).

Your child will, without a doubt, learn things from you or experience things with you that will cause them or lead them to struggles, challenges and hardships at some other point in their life and their experiences of you will also lead them to some awesome things too (the highs).

Everyone experiences highs and lows. I’ve seen ‘perfect’ families (whatever that is) who still have children that get depressed because they believe that perfection is the right life and don’t know how to deal with challenges.

The reality is you cannot get your child’s life right!  And that’s because it can’t go wrong! Life is just a unique story we all have, full of highs and lows and lessons that come from BOTH ends of the spectrum.

Your job is to contribute to your child’s life and you will do that in the best way you can, with the information you have. You are always teaching your children about life, even when you are behaving in a way that you wish you didn’t.

If you feel you want to improve your parenting skills, do it! This will still lead to your child having experiences that will both serve them and challenge them. But that’s what life’s about. Everything has value!

You are good enough for your child RIGHT NOW!

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

EVERYTHING is going so shit at the moment!

“Why are they ALWAYS whingeing? They NEVER give me any time out. I NEVER get anything done around here. They’re ALWAYS needing me for something. I’m so sick of dealing with this DAY IN, DAY OUT. Why can’t they just do as they’re told. They NEVER listen to me. NOBODY gives two shits about what I want. I’ve had enough! I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired. Clearly I’m doing something wrong. NOBODY ELSE feels this way. EVERYONE ELSE seems to manage, but not me! I’m hopeless.  Why can’t I get this right. What’s wrong with me? I’m such a failure. I hate my life!”

This used to be a regular conversation that would roll around in my head. Needless to say I would feel pretty crappy looking at my life from this perspective too.

See how I started with one little event and how quickly this little event escalated into meaning something about my whole life!!!

Here’s how I would respond to myself now:

“Really Jackie? ALWAYS. NEVER. NOBODY. EVERYONE ELSE. DAY IN. DAY OUT. These words are making this situation mean something about your whole life, but it’s not really that way is it?

  • The kids do listen to me sometimes. It’s just that they’re not listening right now. 
  • I do get things done around here, I’m just getting frustrated with all the demands, in THIS moment.
  • My family does care about me, but perhaps I’m feeling a bit run down and I need to make some time for myself.  When was the last time you actually planned that time out? Have you specifically asked for some support for yourself? You have to be your own hero, don’t just expect others to know what you want.
  • Not every day is like this. This is just a full on day today. Sometimes we have awesome days where I’ve had enough sleep, the kids are happy and I really enjoy being a mum.
  • EVERYONE! Really Jackie? What proof do you have that EVERYONE is managing, but you? Are you in their heads? The reality is that everyone has challenges and many parents feel the same as you. There’s nothing wrong with you. This is just a tough day.  Other people have challenges and difficulties too. It’s part of life. Even if they aren’t challenged in parenting, they’ll just have challenges in other areas, because that’s how we learn and grow.

You are NOT a failure. So what is the problem that you need to deal with right now and what is the solution?

All stress is a conflict between belief and reality!  Be mindful that your internal conversations are not ‘catastrophising’ a situation that in reality, is just one event in your life that will come and go.

What you’re experiencing right now is NOT a reflection of the rest of your day (or your life for that matter!)

Look at the whole picture…

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

When Will It Be Time To Change?

“Meanwhile, life keeps moving forward. The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?”
Richard Carlson

Time is slipping away. How long are you going to leave it until you make a conscious effort to change how you feel about parenting?

One day, you’re going to wake up and they’ll have grown older. Perhaps you’ll reflect back on their younger days and wish you were calmer, happier, less stressed and that you seized the day and enjoyed them more.

Why wait to look back in despair? MAKE IT HAPPEN TODAY!

Be the parent you want to be today.

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

Still dwelling on a past event?

Remember that stress doesn’t come from what’s going on in your life.
It comes from your thoughts about what’s going on in your life.
Andrew Bernstein

 

All stress is a conflict between belief (what I’m thinking) and reality (what has actually happened).

These words, “Jackie you’re in conflict with reality!” pull my attention right back into the present moment.  The reality is IT HAPPENED.

The reality is, you don’t get clean from rolling in the mud.

Stop rolling in your story that it shouldn’t have happened, that you’ve now missed out on something you’re supposed to have had, and what it now means about your life.

Bring your attention back into the now and deal with what is!  It’s very hard to be solution focussed when your attention is occupied in a past expectation.

Peace comes from acceptance of now!

Wishing you genuine joy and happiness.

Jackie

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