Tag Archives for " fear "

My Breakdown (I was in tears writing this)

“Nobody knows…..nobody knows but me that I sometimes cry. If I could pretend that I’m asleep when my tears start to fall. I peek out from behind these walls…I think nobody knows…..nobody knows, no….”
Pink

Every day, I put on the facade. My friends didn’t know. My husband sometimes knew. And to everyone else, I was easy-going, happy, friendly and coping well with my two toddlers only 16 months apart. To everyone else, I loved being a mum and had it all under control.

But inside was a war zone – with myself.

It was an endless cycle of loving motherhood, hating motherhood, being tired, pissed off, flipping out in anger, feeling guilty and hating myself. I threw things, screamed, swore, then would see the scared looks on my toddlers’ faces and then fall to my knees in a heap, devastated at the mother I had become.

I felt like I was everything I swore I would never be as a parent and felt I was failing miserably.

But there was no way anyone was ever going to know that. I was the achiever. I got things right! I was SUPPOSED to be a good mother. How could I tell anyone that I had failed? How could I even admit that to myself?

So I sat there and suffered day in and day out until finally, after getting so angry, I slammed a knife on the bench so hard in anger, that it bounced off and narrowly missed my (then) two-year old’s head, I finally realised enough was enough. I had to change, so I dedicated my life to doing exactly that!

After retraining myself to completely change the way I felt about parenthood, I began to educate other parents that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and you don’t have to go through this feeling alone.

You can turn all this around and I want to help you to do so. I don’t want anyone to feel the way that I did.

I want you to know that there are so many parents feeling the same way that you do, the way that I did, and I don’t want you to ever feel ashamed for what’s happening for you right now.

You are not a bad parent. You are a parent who just needs a shift in their mindset, an education in self-worth. A parent who is just receiving a wake-up call for their personal development.

On the other side of this you are a confident, happier, calmer and reality-focused parent who is able to share your new found wisdom with your children and help them avoid depression and anxiety in their futures.

This is, undoubtedly, the hidden good in all this. So when will it be time to learn how to change? Today. Don’t leave it any longer. You can do this.

Showing you the way…

Jackie

To find out how we can help you, head over to our Bring My Family Calm Program that will help you to turn it all around.

Am I Going To Be Enough For My Child?

“Am I going to mess up my child’s life? Will I give them a good enough life? Teach them enough? Love them enough?”

This is a fear the runs through the minds of parents everyone. However, it is a fear that does not need to occur.

Remember how often I say that all stress is a conflict between belief and reality?

Well fear is the belief that you (or someone else) might miss out on something and life won’t go right.

However, when we expand our attention out and look at the bigger picture, the reality is that life can’t go wrong? Big statement huh? Well let me explain.

No matter what direction your life takes it will always be filled with highs and lows, goods and bads, wanted and unwanted. You can’t escape that. It’s just a fact of life.

If you think life is going wrong because it hasn’t gone to plan, then you are essentially saying that everyone’s life has gone wrong, because no one’s life always goes to plan.

Our job as a parent is not to get their lives right, but to help them deal with life when it doesn’t go right.

You are doing the best you can with the information that you have, the beliefs you hold about life and about what you believe is a ‘right’ life. You cannot predict what the future will hold, nor the challenges your child will face. Of course you will try and help your child avoid major potholes in their life, but you won’t be able to protect them from everything.

Nor do you want to, because EVERY event we experience holds value – it teaches us something and helps us to learn and grow as human beings, especially our adversities.

So don’t fear that you are going to mess their lives up, because the reality is, you can’t!

However if you do feel like you are not parenting in alignment with your goals, values or wants, that’s when you can turn your attention towards how you are going to learn to do it differently…because you WANT to experience that connection with your child, not because you’re scared their life won’t go to plan.

The best thing you can do for your child is help them learn a reality-based approach to life where they learn how to handle life’s challenges with an accurate view of reality and self-worth, which is exactly what I passionately teach parents in my online Stress Free Kids, Stress Free Parenting course.

We need to teach children not to fear life going wrong, but to embrace ALL challenges and see the value in them. But often, we first need to learn this for ourselves.

Life is a journey…

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

EVERYTHING is going so shit at the moment!

“Why are they ALWAYS whingeing? They NEVER give me any time out. I NEVER get anything done around here. They’re ALWAYS needing me for something. I’m so sick of dealing with this DAY IN, DAY OUT. Why can’t they just do as they’re told. They NEVER listen to me. NOBODY gives two shits about what I want. I’ve had enough! I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired. Clearly I’m doing something wrong. NOBODY ELSE feels this way. EVERYONE ELSE seems to manage, but not me! I’m hopeless.  Why can’t I get this right. What’s wrong with me? I’m such a failure. I hate my life!”

This used to be a regular conversation that would roll around in my head. Needless to say I would feel pretty crappy looking at my life from this perspective too.

See how I started with one little event and how quickly this little event escalated into meaning something about my whole life!!!

Here’s how I would respond to myself now:

“Really Jackie? ALWAYS. NEVER. NOBODY. EVERYONE ELSE. DAY IN. DAY OUT. These words are making this situation mean something about your whole life, but it’s not really that way is it?

  • The kids do listen to me sometimes. It’s just that they’re not listening right now. 
  • I do get things done around here, I’m just getting frustrated with all the demands, in THIS moment.
  • My family does care about me, but perhaps I’m feeling a bit run down and I need to make some time for myself.  When was the last time you actually planned that time out? Have you specifically asked for some support for yourself? You have to be your own hero, don’t just expect others to know what you want.
  • Not every day is like this. This is just a full on day today. Sometimes we have awesome days where I’ve had enough sleep, the kids are happy and I really enjoy being a mum.
  • EVERYONE! Really Jackie? What proof do you have that EVERYONE is managing, but you? Are you in their heads? The reality is that everyone has challenges and many parents feel the same as you. There’s nothing wrong with you. This is just a tough day.  Other people have challenges and difficulties too. It’s part of life. Even if they aren’t challenged in parenting, they’ll just have challenges in other areas, because that’s how we learn and grow.

You are NOT a failure. So what is the problem that you need to deal with right now and what is the solution?

All stress is a conflict between belief and reality!  Be mindful that your internal conversations are not ‘catastrophising’ a situation that in reality, is just one event in your life that will come and go.

What you’re experiencing right now is NOT a reflection of the rest of your day (or your life for that matter!)

Look at the whole picture…

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

Is it just all too hard today?

Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy.
Saadi

You wouldn’t just walk into a court room and start being a lawyer would you? So what makes you think you’re going to just have a baby and know how to parent?

The reality is that parenting comes with practice. You’ve never been a parent before? Or if you have, you’ve never been one to this child.

Cut yourself some slack. You won’t know everything all the time (sometimes none of the time). It’s all about practice and trial and error.

C’mon. You can do this. If you don’t know how, just ask or research. Not knowing doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It just means you don’t know yet.

Hoping you find your way…

Jackie

"It takes a village to raise a child"

The PSC's 'Bring My Family Calm' Membership invites you to that village

Never feel alone or stressed in your parenting again

Still dwelling on a past event?

Remember that stress doesn’t come from what’s going on in your life.
It comes from your thoughts about what’s going on in your life.
Andrew Bernstein

 

All stress is a conflict between belief (what I’m thinking) and reality (what has actually happened).

These words, “Jackie you’re in conflict with reality!” pull my attention right back into the present moment.  The reality is IT HAPPENED.

The reality is, you don’t get clean from rolling in the mud.

Stop rolling in your story that it shouldn’t have happened, that you’ve now missed out on something you’re supposed to have had, and what it now means about your life.

Bring your attention back into the now and deal with what is!  It’s very hard to be solution focussed when your attention is occupied in a past expectation.

Peace comes from acceptance of now!

Wishing you genuine joy and happiness.

Jackie

Trapped by fear – 5 tips to overcome fear and succeed at your 2014 goals

Happy Mum 35Jackie Hall  –  It’s a new year! Woohoo! I always love this time of year. It brings reflection on the year just gone, renewed hope and plans for the future.

It’s exactly what I love about a new day, the freshness of a new beginning.

I have big goals for the Parental Stress Centre this year. We want to be the leading centre for parental stress in Australia, meaning that everyone who needs help to feel better about themselves as a parent and learn how to feel calmer, more at peace and to cultivate strength in their relationships will know to come here to get that help.

I spent the last five months writing, creating books, webinars and content for this site with Real Mumma (my wise alter-ego) and now it’s time to let the world know that we exist.

Only that requires one thing….promotion! Suddenly I am trapped with fear coarsing through me at the thought of having to call people and convince them we can help parents (which we passionately believe we can).

FEAR is a predator that squashes our dreams and keeps us trapped in the complacency and safety of what is known. It is the reason why at the beginning of each new year we swear it will be different, only to find that this time the following year, NOTHING HAPPENED.

So how do we get past this black scary monster?

Here’s five tips Big Mumma suggessted to help us all make changes once and for all this year:

Tip #1:Know what you have to do

Often the biggest contributor to not succeeding with our goals is lack of knowledge. We live in an information era. There’s always someone out there who can teach you what you have to do and give you the exact steps required to get to where you want to go.

Seek out that mentor. Hunt them down. Study what they’re doing. If it’s parenting goals you want to achieve, educate yourself on how to change. If it’s career goals, what qualifications and experience do you need? If it’s a work from home business, how do you do that? What have others done to succeed in this area?

Tip #2: Feel the fear and do it anyway

In order to push past your boundaries, you need to push past your boundaries. It’s not going to happen by yourself. My fear is of the telephone so what I need to do is pick it up and start talking to people. Often we find that what we were really afraid of was nothing anyway.

Tip# 3: Know what it is you’re really afraid of and challenge that thinking

My fear of self-promotion centres around the fear that ‘people won’t like me’ or ‘people might reject me’. I need to remind myself that not everyone will like me or want to hear what I’ve got to say and that doesn’t mean anything bad about me. All it says is that their beliefs about life do not align with mine or their priority is not aligned with mine in that moment. That’s both okay and inevitable.

We so easily attach our self-worth to someone else’s opinion of ourselves but the reality is that someone’s opinion, is just that, their OPINION. It means diddly about you. It’s just a reflection of that person’s conditioning on how they view life. Everyone’s experiences are different, so it is inevitable that opinions are going to be different.

When we are stuck in fear we often look for what MIGHT go wrong and we avoid things because of a ‘what if’. But what if it DOESN’T go wrong? What if your experience ends up being the best thing that ever happened to you? The reality of life is that all of our events are linked. All the highs lead to lows and all the lows lead to highs. We can’t have one experience without the polar opposite of the other experience somewhere along our life’s time line.

Just remember that when that fear tries to take over and stop you in your tracks.

Tip #4: Don’t be afraid to fail

What is it with today’s society where we are taught to think that we should know everything there is to know about everything we ever want to pursue? When I put it like that it sounds ridiculous doesn’t it, yet that’s what we often expect from ourselves.

This week I was on the phone to someone who offered me some marketing training for free. He said he would listen in on my phone calls and give me tips. My body went into instant fear. “What, you mean actually put myself in a position of being judged and ridiculed!” Screamed my fears. “Like Hell.”

But that’s just one aspect of it. How do we know what to do until we experience what NOT to do. Here was an opportunity to learn and grow in my marketing abilities, but if I let fear get in the way because of a silly belief that I should know the answers to everything and that I cannot show people that I don’t know, then I don’t learn, I don’t get better and I DON’T ACHIEVE MY GOAL.

Failure is often the very thing we need to do to get what we want. Failure is not the end. Often it is just the beginning or the platform to launch from.

Tip #5: Be very clear about why you want your goal

When the fear of doing something new outweighs the pain or suffering of what you are currently doing, you will make changes and make it a priority to learn, grow and try new things.

Do whatever you have to do to keep your dream alive in your mind. Have pictures around you. Read stories about people who are making it in the area that you want to make it. Allow yourself to get excited about your goals and know EXACTLY what you are going for (and what you are happily going to leave behind).

Most goals come from a feeling of lack – you don’t have something in your life and the goal will fulfill that void. Remembering what you want to change is just as important as knowing what experience you are aiming for. BOTH of these extremes will fuel the fire that will give you the burning desire to make changes.

Every single one of these tips are what I personally need to do, right now, in my own life. The reality is that none of us are perfect. We each have our cross to bear and our lessons to learn. If you believe that you are worth any less because of your weaknesses, lack of knowledge or flaws, then that means we are all worth less, because you have just described every human being on the planet.

Even by writing this article I have realised that it’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to not know how to do something and feel trepidation about what I need to do to reach this year’s goals, but what’s not okay (by me) is to let them suffocate me to the point of paralysis.

I WILL go beyond. I WILL reach the other side. I will seek out mentors to teach me what I need to know. I will DO new things over and over again until I’m comfortable with doing them. I will keep learning from my mistakes and I will achieve my goals of being THE place for parents to come to for parental stress.

Because I have a passion, a burning desire and a vision to see parents in Australia believing in themselves and knowing exactly what they need to do to live happier, confident lives and to know how to naturally pass these abilities onto their children.

It won’t be easy to overcome my fears, but I am committing, right now, to doing it.

Last year I came across a fabulous quote that relates to anything:

“The difference between poor people and rich people is that poor people WANT to be rich. Rich people are committed to being rich.”

So what are you committed to? Or will this be another year where you are just going to allow yourself to keep wanting it?

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