Event:  Child keeps behaving the same way after the 10^th time you’ve asked them not to.

How you feel:  Angry, disrespected, ready to throw something, defeated.

What’s triggering this?  YOUR STORY.

“How many times have I told you not to do that.  You continue to disobey me again and again and again.  You NEVER listen to me!  You NEVER give a damn about what I think or how I’m trying to run this house.  You just keep doing whatever you want with no concern for anyone else but yourself.  You don’t clean your room.  You don’t help me with anything.  You give me backchat.  I’m so sick of having to deal with this crap day in day out.  

I do everything for everyone around here, and no one gives a damn about me and what I want.  I’m just everyone’s slave around here.  Well I’m sick of it.  If things don’t change around here, I’m seriously going to lose my s**t!”

Can you recognize this story?  We all think like this at times, in one way or another.  But with this outburst, there are key patterns of thinking that are what is actually causing stress. 

The patterns you may identify are:

Many people believe that it’s their external experiences that are triggering stress, but if that was the case then that would mean everyone who experiences a toddler throwing a tantrum, a teenager giving backchat, or a messy house, would experience stress. But we all know that calm mother who just doesn’t seem to be triggered by these things.  Why is that? Because…

It’s never the event that triggers your stress, it’s how you perceive that event and what you perceive it to mean about you. That’s the real culprit! 

The first skill calm and happy parents learn is the ability to become aware of the their thoughts and know which ones are triggering their stress.  They recognize that it’s not the event that’s causing their emotions. The recognize that the work they need to do to feel calm, is within their mindset first.

All emotions of stress are triggered by a conflict between belief and reality. Our thoughts about the current moment are arguing with the reality of what is.

Example:

Reality is your child is having a tantrum or giving you back chat.

Your conflict is your story about why that’s happening and what it means about you (see point 1).

Parents who work with us learn to recognize the thinking that’s triggering their stress and then learn how to ‘upgrade’ that thinking.

Now this requires practice and effort, because the mind has likely gotten used to the way you’ve been thinking and is not going to give that up without a fight.

You have 60,000 thoughts a day and 95% of those thoughts you had today are the same as yesterday. So how many days have you been telling your ‘story’ that’s been triggering your stress?

On top of that, every time you have a thought you release a chemical in the body, which is felt as your emotions. Over time of repeating your ‘story’, the cells in your body can literally get addicted to those chemicals (ie your emotions) and start driving the mind to think the thoughts that trigger the same emotions.

Just like when your body starts to crave the chocolate you’re wanting and then you start thinking of all the reasons that justify having that piece of chocolate. The mind/body connection is working the same when it comes to the hormones of stress!

Also, 95% of the thoughts you think come from the subconscious, meaning below consciousness. You’re not even aware that you’re thinking them! That’s why we have to use point one and start paying attention to what you’re saying to yourself.

But it doesn’t just stop there!

Our parents then have to retrain their mind and body to think and feel differently. That requires effort, consistency, persistence, repetition and new knowledge of how to think and feel (FYI, this is what the Parental Stress Center teaches parents how to do).

Parents who are calm and happy have mastered the art of awareness and adjustment. 

It’s not that they’re perfect. They have these rolling in their 'pit of s**t’ moments too.

But they don’t STAY THERE.

They’ve trained themselves to recognize the story and get out of it!

When you’re able to get out of the world of you and get into the world of your child, you’re no longer personalizing their behavior, and when you’re not personalizing the moment, you’re not feeling stressed about it either.

This frees your attention up to start thinking more rationally about their behavior – why it exists, and what the solution is for change.

Calm and Happy parents who are developing this third skill don’t have all the answers.  But they know that the answers exist and have the freedom of mind to keep working on helping their kids and making those changes.  

They recognize that, just like themselves, it’s going to take repetition, consistency, persistence, knowledge and action, to help their child learn new skills and ways of thinking for their life.

Sometimes it’s not our kids that prevent us from being calm and happy parents. It can be our partners, our family members or our work colleagues – in other words, our relationships.

Our Happy parents are recognizing first and foremost that nothing external ever causes an internal shift within you.

You and your mindset trigger your emotions. Period!

So, our parents are using the same solution focused attitude used in the last point, and are learning to apply it to their relationships too.

They recognize that just like our self, we are doing things with the agenda to pursue pleasure and avoid pain. They recognize that other people are running stories and patterns and looking for ‘what does this mean about me’ and know that there are ways to communicate with people so they will listen.

When we develop the ability to understand another’s behavior, have empathy, compassion, understanding and the skills to communicate effectively with others, not only do we feel more in alignment with a calmer self, but externally, we have much better relationships.

The fourth skill our parents are learning to acquire, is relationship skills. How to understand the difference between how men and women think. How to understand what they must be thinking to behave the way they do. They understand how dynamics are set up because of each other’s belief systems, and how to ‘align’ with another person to create more amicable relationships.

Imagine the difference that then makes to how you run your family or how you interact with your kids. 

Relationships are everywhere.

When you learn to take responsibility for the knowledge and actions of yourself internally, you will watch as your external relationships start to transform too.

So where does this leave you?

Some people have developed these five skills naturally. They don’t need help. They don’t need training.  

They probably had really good mentors that served as role models to teach them these skills and they’re already in the habit of being calm and happy.

For the rest of us, we need to develop the habit of being calm and happy.  To do that it requires knowledge, practice and repetition, just like learning to walk did.  It often requires some mentoring too.

I have personally had to train myself out of the pit of depression and anxiety as a mom. I have literally had to walk my talk and still do.

In this day and age, ignorance is a choice.  Parental stress is a choice.  Not a subconscious one, but a conscious one.  

Neuroscience and psychology know so much about the brain these days, that we are no longer even governed by our genetics! 

This means you are already equipped with everything you need to create change.

You have the power to feel good whenever you're ready to learn how and whenever you're ready to put in the effort to make that transformation. 

It’s not easy, but I promise you it’s worth it! 

So tell me, which of these 5 skills do you feel you need to work on?  

Join in the conversation over at our Facebook Group Calm & Balanced Parenting. Free Lessons